Death and dieing

Reading this chapter I thought about the many times I had experienced death in my life. Most recently my nephew passed away at three months old. The book does an OK job in their description of the death of ones child. Marcus was not my own child but he was the closest anyone could possibly be without being my actual child. I don't think there are adequate words in the English language to describe the death of a child. Its crushing and something that does not go away with time. Its been two years and its still something that the whole family feels very intensely every day. My son was 4 at the time and I was 8 months pregnant with my daughter. It was difficult to explain to my son what had happened but he accepted it and seemed at peace with the sadness almost immediately. He asked a lot of questions. We talked about Gods role in death and this eventually lead to gods role in life, specifically gods role in creating life for his baby sister. It was a conversation that probably helped me cope just as much as it did him. I wish the book would have touched a little more on religion and how this helps deal with death. Death is still something I am not comfortable with. Possibly because I am in early adulthood and don't feel I have accomplished what I wanted in life as the book talked about. But in reading this chapter I feel like I have a better understanding of the stages of dealing with ones own death and dealing with the grief of loss.

Aging

I have always looked forward to getting older. I may change my mind about that once I'm out of my twenties but since I was very young I have always envied the life of a retired person! Who doesn't? It was very enlightening to read about some of the things that are important to be well grounded in this stage of life. Having a strong faith and its connection to better emotional and physical health, and having friendships and relationships with siblings. Both of these are very important to me now as well. I feel more at rest and peace with myself and the world when I feel close to God. I also have a really good relationship with my younger sister. We have for sure been through some stages where we talked less but it was never for a lack of wanting or caring. Life just seemed to get in the way in some way or another. Also although it was only briefly mentioned in the reading but exercise as a way of helping with frailty in later stages of life. I guess that's what I am most afraid of as I age. I don't want to spend my last months or years needing to tip toe through life. I want to be able to go on walks with my great grandchildren and make it to events such as graduation and BBQ's. In the reading it mentioned exercise. Well I exercise sometimes... not as much as I could. Building strong bones and muscles so that when I do reach old age maybe ill have a better shot at being the bad a** grandma I hope to be! This gives me more motivation than loosing weight! The last thing that really struck me in this weeks reading was the section about elder care and nursing homes. It absolutely breaks my heart to think of my mother in a nursing home! I have mentioned her in posts before and I can never put into words just how much she means to me. More than anyone else she has always been there for me. She may have not been able to financially support or back every request we ever asked for as kids and teens but she would stand right next to us and help us figure out a solution! She truly is a one of a kind woman. I hope that one day I will be able to afford to have a second home on my property (that I don't have yet... one can dream though : ) for her to live in. At the very least have a basement apartment for her so she can be close. My mother has cared for many elderly people who could no longer care for themselves in many different stages of life. Some needing full care and some just needing help with the chores and shopping and things of that nature. She has seen many cases of elder abuse or neglect and the stories are gut wrenching (as is any case of abuse). I hope and pray that not only will I be able to afford to have my mother in my home that I will have the skills as a nurse to care for her when and if she needs advanced care.

Grabparents

I found the section on grandparents very interesting. I grew up with very little contact with any extended family and saw my grandparents only a handful of times. It wasn't until I had kids that I saw what a grandparent was supposed to be. This came from a few different situations. First and foremost I was welcomed with open arms into the kids fathers family. They are HUGE and very close! The grandmother (My childrens Great Grandmother) is a wonderful woman! She is "all up in your business" but with the best of intentions : ) She dresses as a clown and learned to make balloon animals for the Sunday school kids. She also got a job at McDonald when one of the cousins had to get a job there so he wouldn't feel lame getting a job in fast food (not sure that helped but the thought is adorable). She is kind and gentle with all the kids and yet she is strong and a force to be feared! Although I have yet to call her Grandma, even when told to by her and the rest of the family, she is the closest thing I will ever have to a grandmother and I love her dearly. Secondly my own mother was not a grandmother. My son was the first of the grand kids on our side and the first great grandchild on their fathers side. My mother is also an amazing grandmother! She is silly with my kids like I have never seen her before and they absolutely adore their Nana! She also had custody of my niece for over a year. She very selflessly gave her entire life up to care for my niece from the day she came home from the hospital. All the while she was working full time as a caregiver for the elderly. All this and shes over 50! She has a heart of gold and loves her family with every ounce. There was a section in the book about grandparents who care for their grandchildren and I would be interested to look into how this effects the grandparents psychological development as they are in a stage in life where they should be preparing for retirement not caring for children. My mother has said many times that she would do it again in a heartbeat and she truly cherished that time but it was also one of the hardest things she ever had to do. Lastly I have seen my father as a grandfather, or Papa as my kids call him. While reading the part about grandparents feeling like being a grandparent is meaningfull I couldnt help but feel sad and a bit angry. My father is anything but a good grandparent. There are so many times where I have had to step in and tell him what he was doing was inapropriate and damaging to my children. I cant leave him alone with my son for fear that he will say something rude or mean. He is great with my daughter but cant seem to manage a relationship with my 5 year old. It breaks my heart and I wish he had that feeling that being a grandparent was meaningful as talked about in the book. But he just simply doesn't. So my first two examples, the kids great grandmother, and my mother are examples of wonderful caring grandparents and the last example is a depiction of the opposite end of the spectrum.

Singlehood, stereotypes, and my mother

I found the section on Singlehood in chapter 11 extremely interesting. My mother who is now in her 50's and recently (4 years ago) divorced shows no interest in finding another partner. I nag her about it all the time simply because I hate to see her alone and I want her to get out there and have someone to share this later half of her life with. She insists she is happy living alone for the first time EVER in her life. She jokes that if she were to find someone then she would have to remember their birthday and their name and all that and its just to much trouble for what its worth : ) Shes a funny lady! Reading this section I realized that I am part of the people it talks about having stereotyped or biased thoughts about single people. I do look at single people (whether that's people without a romantic partner or people without children) as being selfish, and less giving or kind and that is something I was not aware of. Now that I am aware of that I will do my best to change that thought in myself. I can think of many times when I felt that way towards singletons in general but it was more of a feeling rather than a defined thought. But when I stop and think about it I can think of many very giving and caring single people whom I see on a daily basis. In reading this I feel like I should maybe let up a little on my mother. She is finding herself for the first time in her life and defining herself without the input or effects of anyone else and that is something I should support wholeheartedly. Its easier said than done though because I just simply hate the thought of her in her quiet cold house, growing old alone. See there's those stereotypes again! : )

Teenagers! Something to look forward to after all!

I really enjoyed reading about teenagers in all this weeks material! My kids aren't there yet so I liked seeing what I have to look forward to! I was happy to read the section titled "The Myth of Storm and Stress" Whenever someone tells me they have a teenager (or multiple teenagers) I always respond with "Oh so you have your hands full!" I guess I bought into the Hollywood hype about teenagers being difficult and combative towards parents. I can see it being a difficult time for me as a parent though. I like to be very involved in my kids lives. I enjoy helping them pick clothes and taking them to movies or to get ice cream and I LOVE to cuddle. From the sounds of it, all that may stop once they hit adolescence. Whenever the conversation comes up with other parents about the age when the kids move out of the house I am always the one to say that I think I will be broken hearted! I cant imagine a home being any sort of an actual home without the laughter and noise that comes along with my children. I love it! I'm almost always met with the comment "That's why God made teenagers, to prepare the parents heart for them to move out". I understand what is meant by this, that by the time you have gone through a couple years with your teenagers you wont want them around as much and you will be ready for them to spread their wings and leave the nest. I know myself and I know I wont feel that way. No matter how frustrating they may be I just don't see an empty house as something to look forward to. And from the sounds of it, the teenage years wont be so bad! I just need to be prepared for the changes in the kids and be willing to let our relationship change a bit from when they were little and i could curl up with them in bed and snuggle till morning!

Lots to take in this week!!!

The material from this week was very interesting! It gives me as a parent a lot to think about! I love all the new information about parenting and find it incredibly useful as a parent myself. I hope that most of the time I am an authoritative parent but I know at times I have been the other three styles as well. Iv said "Because I said so" once or twice and I know Iv given in to what my children were asking for even when I knew that it wasn't the best choice. I made it a point that no matter what I would always aim for helping them find reason in the world and the only way for that to happen is to explain and to lead by example as is a large part of the authoritative parenting style. As said in one of the videos its hard to diagnose your own parenting style because most of us have good and bad days. I am part of a gentle parenting group online. I like to read the good experiences along with the ones that need improving. Its encouraging and enlightening to read about other like minded parents struggling with the same daily issues such as how to be gentle and loving when your child insists on dumping her juice on the carpet after two sips every single time! I also am a strong believer in direct instruction! Although I didn't know that term until reading this chapter I always felt that "prepping" the kids for situations that may be in the near future helped them deal with the situation with less interference from me. It seemed to give my son confidence and a feeling of safety. He is nervous in new situations and around new people. But if I explain what will be happening throughout the new experience he seems to transition better. 

The video on Disney and gender was something I had heard before. I thought they did a good job depicting the gender roles portrayed by Disney and in the end they encouraged viewers to enjoy Disney classics but to be mindful of the stereotypes created and perpetuated by them. One line from The little mermaid that particularly lit a fire for me was "Its she who holds her tongue who gets her man" I find that things like this infuriate me now that I have a daughter! I want her to speak her mind and be bold! Be confident in her ideas and to know that society will listen to an intelligent idea no matter if it comes from someone in a dress or a tie! I don't know why I didn't notice all the gender stereotypes forced on boys when I just had my son but maybe it was because we didn't watch a lot of TV. After reading this chapter and the extra materials I am feeling like I need to eliminate some of the screens in our house! Delete some games from phones and Ipads and make sure there is more time spent on what matters! Outside, books, art, family, catching bugs, and building fires for smores! 

Attachment statistics :(

The section that stood out most to me in this weeks reading was about attachment. It broke my heart to read that only 60 to 65% of American babies are securely attached! That means that 30 to 35% of babies do not feel secure in their trust that someone will be there to meet their needs. It is the simplest thing in the world to gain an infants trust as a mother or caregiver. Cuddle, feed, clean, cuddle some more, be present, give love. The book writes it a bit differently. But as a mother I see and feel motherhood as giving a piece of yourself to a piece of yourself. Let me explain. My children are more a part of me than any other thing will ever be that does not currently reside inside my body. I made them, carried them, brought them into this world and provided guidance to the best of my ability to this point. Motherhood requires you to give, and give, and then give some more. You are giving a piece (allbeit a very large piece) of you to a piece of you. Make sense now? : ) It absolutely tears my heart apart to think that there are that many babies who do not have a secure attachment to some form of primary caregiver. This may be due in part to a little girl I met a few weeks back. My sister is currently in a six month inpatient treatment facility. I go to visit her every week. On one visit there was a little girl who was about three or four. From the moment we walked in she was smiling at me and trying to make conversation. I later learned in a family group session that she was there visiting her mother and her aunt had custody of her and her younger sister. She cried for her mother while we were in the family group session. It was gut wrenching to know why she wasnt with her mother and to know that this little girl wasnt just having a hard time dealing with seperation for a school day but because she didnt have her mother in her life at all. When the meeting was over everyone files out to meet with our "residents". The little girl was the first out the door and went to head down the stairs. She was holding colored pencils and some coloring pages in her hand and was attemting to make it down the stairs without loosing anything.  Her mother stood, hands on hips glaring from the bottom of the stairs. The girl of course drops her pencils and papers to which her mother huffs and puffs a great deal but does not take her behind up the stairs to help. Nope. She stands there. Mad that her daughter wasn't making it down the stairs fast enough? Graceful enough? Maybe its because the girl could really fly and her mother was frustrated she was taking the time to walk instead??? I helped her with her pencils and walked with her down the stairs. Later that day in the lunch/visiting room packed with people I was sitting with my sister talking when out of nowhere this little girl throws herself onto my lap! I was shocked! So was everyone else. Her family was sitting on the other side of the room and she had sought me out for a hug. She immediately started stroking my hair and didn't want to leave even when coaxed by her mother. Her aunt eventually came and brought her back to her mother. The few words she said to me and her sweet little face will haunt me probably for the rest of my life. I imagine she was not securely attached to her mother. I'm not sure what type of attachment she would fit into, she was definitely upset when her mother left so she would not fit into the avoidance attachment category. She possibly fits into the Resistant attachment category although I don't know that she is angry when her mother leaves. Its all speculation based on a feeling I got from a little girl in a very obviously bad situation. But that is what comes to mind when I read this section of the book.

Thanks for reading~ Jeesh these are becoming more and more novel like every time... Sorry : )